While I was going through the hardest parts of my depression I came to a realization about myself that was both incredibly surprising and depressing. Once I realized it I saw how obvious it had been this whole time and it really helped me make sense of some things about myself. Because i'm a dork I framed it in the nerdiest way possible. I sent the following text to my friend.
My Dad was/is an asshole, he was horrible to our whole family, and I have always felt guilt that I let that happen to my mum, and I have always felt fear of feeling like a victim again. So my life became an obsession with not feeling that way. From a young age I devoured superhero comics and TV Shows, movies etc. I was made fun of at school for having an intense obsession with the Power Rangers. It all simply came down to the fact that they could fight back so they were not powerless, to a young me that seemed like the simple solution. As I got older my outlets for these things became a bit more sophisticated although not by much. I gravitated to James Bond as there wasn't a single situation that he did not not know what to do in. I got into MMA, I pursued a career in the emergency services so that I could run into danger myself. I kept chasing these dreams thinking that eventually it would complete me and I would feel happy. The problem with it is that James Bond and the Power Rangers are not real, they exist in stories with happy endings they are intended as escapism, not the goal of real life. So once I had become this figure, someone cast as a bit of a loaner not reliant on other people, capable at fighting, having proven myself brave by doing whatever it is that I had done etc etc, something should have changed... but it didn't and now I had nothing else to chase.
So flash forward a bit and now I am learning to accept that my choice of profession was not the answer. Being a loner just means that you are alone and now I have to work at letting people back in. Violence solves literally nothing, something the NRA in America seem determined to remind me on an almost daily basis.
So without all this fictional framework that I have built up over the decades who am I?
I'm not sure is the truthful answer and really I think a big part of this blog is about helping me find out. I do know that I want to be someone who makes things better and hopefully inspires good things. I want to create and help people, just be better and put some good things into the world rather than be defined by the fact that as a child I was a scared victim.
Basically going back to the nerd analogy, I don't want to be Batman, I want to be Captain America.