So i talked about my #selfiehelp project, and how I have noticed improvement since doing it, I want to talk a bit of time to talk about the biggest thing I have noticed.
A few years ago, long before the depression had been diagnosed I was doing a yoga class. In a mindfulness exercise at the end of the class we were told to in our mind go to our happy place wherever that may be.
I tried and I tried but for the life of me i could not find anything. Not one happy moment that wasn't in some way tarnished or ruined. Now of course with the power of hindsight that was clearly the depression and one of the tricks it plays. I just didn't know it at the time. It always sat with me though, that thought that I had no happy place to go in my mind. As I have discussed before I tend to hide in my imagination from the troubles I have had, to insulate myself from them, and as the saying goes "an umbrella blocks out sunshine as well as rain" I was always looking for something to distract me from my sadness as opposed to looking for something that actually made me happy, between that and the depression making me lie to myself that I had never been happy it was a very hopeless feeling.
So a couple of weeks ago I was in a yoga class doing some mindfulness. As sometimes happens during mindfulness work thoughts and memories pop into your mind, and i remembered this particular yoga class in the past and the feeling of isolation that came with it. This time though I had been looking after myself and was stronger for it. So i took the time to go into my mind and look for a happy place. Here is what I came up with;
- Playing with my little niece and nephew in a soft play area last week
- The times I have been out lately taking photo's and when I get a shot I felt really proud of
- Lunch with my friend ross
- Going to watch the wrestling with my friend recently
- Chasing Cody Rhodes after his match to tell him how amazing i thought it was, and him shaking my hand and saying thank you.
- That I recently got out and meet some cool Twitter folk for @minniequinn's birthday
- Having a coffee with my mum
- Christmas dinner at my sisters house, the first Christmas that I'd felt like part of the family for a very long time
- My niece waking me up on boxing day, telling me its "wakey time" and playing dolls house with her
- Playing Mario Odyssey and Breath of the Wild on my Nintendo Switch
- Watching Black Panther on opening day and feeling the energy of the cinema and how important it clearly was to people
- Feeling in touch with my creative side for the first time in a very long time
Then yesterday I had one of those moments where your mind hits you with a moment that you wish you would never remember, I felt all sorts of negativity and was replaying the thought again and again in my mind. I caught myself doing it and consciously tried to think about last week when i saw my niece and nephew. After a few seconds I couldn't even remember what the negative thought was. It was completely gone, for a second i tried to remember what it was, then i realized what a bad idea that was and just let it go.
That's a victory to me!