So it's twenty to one in the morning and there is just no sign of me falling asleep. I'm laying here wired, and I can't rest and I can't stop thinking at a million miles an hour.
Around about march this year I was doing really well, I had gotten on top of a lot of my personal issues having felt capable of facing them for the first time in years. I was clean and tidy and i could probably pass for semi organised.
In the last month or so, the darkness has started seeping in again. The nagging questions of my worth have started up again. My get up and go has really taken a hit and my flat once again looks like a warzone. My diet has returned to fizzy drinks and junk food. I'm just not looking after myself.
I've been aware of this slow regression for a while, and that the zero hour would arrive when i would have to deal with the fact that the depression was really really back. I knew once I started turning the corner that this would be the case, and that I would have to contend with the black dog again and again through my life.
As I sit here writing this i'm basically just sulking, it's not fair, I've done my bit, I faced the black dog and I came out the other side. Why do i have to do it again? (I really don't want to) Thats the worst bit really, there is something in this experience that tells me I'm never going to be free of this.
I guess the difference is this time I know the things to do, I have to catch when i'm being cruel to myself and stop (with a fresh perspective on the thoughts i subject myself to in this state, I am really good at being cruel to myself, I had no idea).
I need to clean my living space up, and start looking after myself again. I need to get back into the good habbits of looking after myself and not just trying to survive moment to moment.
I need to do it for me, I need to recognise that I deserve better than what I'm doing to myself and make the change. I deserve some happiness or at least some peace and i should fight for it.
Sorry this was quite a self indulgent post just trying get all these thoughts out of my head and process them.